i keep thinking it’s been a long winter. yeah, green, reeeeal long. i’ve been consumed by the heaviest weight, the worst fatigue, the least hope and possibility and the lowest lows of my life. it was like the winter plague never released me. i tried to sleep through most of it, and i did a pretty good job. i did the bare minimum at home, with my dog and my social obligations. i somehow managed to keep my job. i can only hope they didn’t see me starting at the walls for hours at a time- holding my head in my hands to keep it from dropping to my lap. i told them i was a little foggy, and this wasn’t my normal self, but actually they probably got the best me during that time. i mean, heaven forbid my work suffers through my worst dropout. i didn’t feel sad. just numb and empty. oh yeah, did i tell you i gave up drinking 99%? and i thought booze made you numb?
not even realizing the mental health crisis in my own life was bad judgment of epic proportions.
maybe not a coincidence that i have tripled my credit card debt, gained about 9 pounds (i just lowered that number after seeing it in print) and buried myself in new and old craft, automotive and literary projects. but i think i am slowly moving in a better direction….. (did i say that last time?)
for example, i hosted 3 houseguests for the last 3 weeks without losing any headgaskets or other ephemera. i actually managed to have a shit ton of fun and keep my sleep in order by hosting a series of movie nights after work. simple- ha! i trained them to bring me dinner and then settled in to the couch for chick flicks-every once in a while waking, errrr, lifting my head to recite my favorite lines (to reassure them i hadn’t died yet). they were wonderful ladies, and fun visitors, very gracious and kind- and it wasn’t their fault i didn’t tell them i wasn’t in the mood. i didn’t even consider asking them not to come on their many months pre-planned coinciding/overlapping trips. i miss them already but appreciate my relatively quiet home once again. i went straight back to bed.
stay tuned for some stories about our adventures. by the numbers: 4 states, 5 girls, 2 golden retrievers, 1 baby shower, 3 birthday parties, 1 float trip, 11 grilled cheese sandwiches, 6 airport trips, 2 campspots, 1 flat tire, 1 gondola, 2 monsoons, 1 moose, tiny cowboys, home-baked cinnamon bread and lots of chipmunks.
yesterday, i met with my shrink for our second appointment, and medication adjustment was the first order of business. she got right down to business and i have instructions and step one of a plan to move forward. i am optimistic.
so for now, one more day at a time in cozy pajamas on the couch. the thundershowers are helping. tomorrow i go to the river with my best dog. it has to help. but first, sleep.
my bluebird skies 